Daniela Abedrabbo
Healing in Relationships
Updated: Nov 4, 2019
Relationships, good or bad, are beautiful healing gifts.

Some friends I have known for a few months and some for a few years, yet our bonds are just as pure and beautiful. Most people seem to think real friends are the ones we have known forever and have gone through a lot with but I am not sure I agree with that. In my experience, true connection comes from authentic, vulnerable and loving interactions which can happen anytime, at any place with anyone.Ā
Some friendsĀ I have been close with for many, many years; yetĀ IĀ wonder if I can really claim to beĀ "close friendships". Because we have known each other for that long,Ā have attendedĀ each others' main events, including birthdays, weddings, etc.. does thatĀ make us "close friends"? Because we were inseparable at one point, does that mean we have a responsibility to that friendship?
Over the years, I realized that at times IĀ leftĀ friend'sĀ coffeeĀ /Ā lunch dateĀ feeling off and sometimes even drained and/orĀ sad;Ā sad that we sat there for an hour or more making conversations without really being ourselves, pretending that everything wasĀ somewhat ok. I realized,Ā I didn't even really know if that friendĀ I'd spent time with was evenĀ happy,Ā orĀ in pain,Ā or if they even wanted to wake up in the morning.Ā Even thoughĀ I completed my due diligence of meeting them toĀ catch up, sometimesĀ I leftĀ feeling empty and having no clue what wasĀ really happening in their lives.Ā Of course, I played a bigĀ part in this.Ā I showed up the same way. I chose not to open up either.Ā The more places in my life I wasĀ not being myself, the more disconnectedĀ I wasĀ andĀ the less happy I was. At times, I'd even be physically ill.
Then I asked myself "Why am I not being myself? Why am i not allowing them to get close to me? Why am I having these shallow relationships?" and the answer was fear. Fear again. Fear always gotĀ in the way. The fear was a bit different each time but it always came down to the same thing.Ā I was afraid to be judged, to be rejected and to simply not be loved. I kept many friendships going, even those that were no longer healthy, because I was afraid to hurt others and/orĀ be hurt. When I say unhealthy for me, it was neverĀ because the person wasĀ bad, or not good enough but simply because we hadĀ grown to be very different and wereĀ on very different paths. That also didn't mean my path wasĀ better than theirs. It justĀ meant we no longer had the same interests and priorities.Ā
When I realized I no longer wanted to continue a friendship, I either stayed or completely ghosted. Both these actions had no integrity and had hurtful consequences. I didn't know how else to handle them.Ā Ā So why didĀ I do that? Why didĀ I not walkĀ away from these friendships?Ā Well, in the past it was because I was scared. I was so terrified of what people would think or sayĀ and it was costing me my inner peace, myĀ happiness and my physical health. I was not being a good person to these friends and to myself.
I took the time to confront my fears and explore what friendships meant to me, and how I wanted to show up for people I cared for.Ā I wasn't fully aware of all my fears but here is what I knew for sure. I knewĀ that the conversations I appreciate most are the ones where I am able to beĀ myself. Conversations where I can speak my truth, show up exactly the way I need to in that moment, share my deepest fears and hurts and not be scared to beĀ judged. And not worry about hurting, overwhelming, or upsetting the other person. Conversations where its ok for me to say I prefer "blue" even though the other person highly dislikes blue and not worry about upsetting them. Conversations where its ok for me to say I messed up and be received with love.Ā Also, conversations where we can talk about life, the things that are important to us, the things that drive our hearts, the struggles and achievements we are having. I was clear gossiping did not fit into healthy conversations.
Now, me wanting this from others meant, meĀ showing up thatĀ way first. I learnt that I cannot expect others to "acceptĀ me" yet have a judgement on others. I learnt that I cannot expectĀ others to be vulnerable and authentic, withoutĀ being willing to talk about my "mistakes" andĀ fears. Often, I hear people say "I want them to do it first" and often I respond saying "There is no such thing, you lead the way, you take that first step". So I got to work. Over the last few years, I've practiced looking at my upsets, where they were coming from andĀ speaking my truth when its safe.
I have had difficult, very uncomfortable, honest conversations with friends. Some, I failed at and some went very well. I had honest conversations withĀ friends I judged and gossiped about. I tookĀ responsibility for my actionĀ and I apologized. I was so ashamed butĀ I was not ok with gossiping about them behind their back and I wanted to do something about it.Ā I even called up ex partners and cleaned up how I showed up in the past.Ā I will never forget someĀ of the responses. Most were very positive and ended in us having stronger bonds than ever! And some didn't go as well as. Sometimes people aren't at a place to haveĀ such conversations and I had to learn toĀ be ok with that. Sometimes people are still hurt from some of my actions and want time and space to heal, and I learntĀ to respect that too.Ā Some judged me in return and that also I had to learn to be ok with. I built stronger friendships and I lost some. I also learnt to share my hurts with people without pointing the fingers at them. I learnt that by taking 100% responsibility for my reaction to what they said or did made it much easier to have a beautiful, powerful conversation. A conversation that allowed for growth rather than anger, resentment and shut down.
At times, the conversations weren't needed. When I felt "hurt" or "upset", I took a step back and looked at what was going on for me. For example, this one Saturday morning, I received a message from a very close friend of mine saying the night before her and another one of my best friends went out and had the absolute best night in so long! My first reaction was "What? where was my invite?" I wanted to make them wrong immediately and either say something mean or shut down and cut them off for a few days. Then I said to myself "Wow! slow down. Where is this coming from?" I took time to be with my anger and realized I was sad that I wasn't there. I would have loved to be part of it. I realized I made it mean they didn't care about meĀ and thats why they didn't call me, I wasn't important enough. And I also realized, this was an old feeling that had nothing to do with the girls. I knew for sure they loved me and would have loved to have me. I had no idea why they didn't invite me out so then I chose to be honest with my friend and asking instead of making assumptions and taking it personally. I messaged saying I was sad they didn't invite me, I wish I was with them and I asked why I wasn't included. She acknowledged it was last minute, completely unplanned and would have loved to have me. And because I was honest with myself and with her. I got over it within seconds of expressing it. And I was super excited to hear all about their night! That, would have never happened in the past! I would have been stuck for God knows how long and probably holding it against them for a while!
For the friendshipsĀ I wantedĀ to keep and grow, I learnt to open my heart first and welcome them in. For those I felt complete with, I learnt to either have a conversation, if I felt it was needed, or simply say no to the "hang out" requests and walk away with time. Now, it doesn't mean I didn't love them. In fact, it hadĀ nothing to do with love. It just meantĀ that I wasĀ choosing to be honest and not pretend anymore. I was choosing to honour what was best and most aligned for me. I was choosing to love them andĀ no longerĀ have a relationship with them.
Through all these experiences, I learnt to heal my wounds. Through continuously challenging myself in relationships, instead of hiding or ghosting, I give myself the gift of being a better human and a better friend. Friendships preparedĀ me for my intimate relationship with my husband. Everything I was working on, was an opportunity to heal and practice how to be fully authentic in the most intimate relationship - which sometimes is the scariest!Ā
I have so much gratitude for all the relationships that I have experienced as they taught me so much about myself and the parts of me that needed the most healing. Relationships are a gift and theyĀ remind me each day to continue being the best version of myself.